Small Talk Cheatsheet

Basic Principles

• Social skills and small talk are a skill you become better at by practice
• Small talk is a technique to get to know each other and get on the same level
• If you get on the same page, you can open up and connect more to create a relation
• Don’t engage people for approval, validation or acceptance - but for a social experience
• A big part of communication is nonverbal - voice, posture, expressions

Qualities

• Be honest to yourself and others
• Be an energetic, optimistic, enthusiastic you
• Be curious and show empathy
• Don’t take it all too serious

Right mindsets

• I can develop in a better me by taking action
• I’m the actor not the victim in my life
• I’m truly interested in other people
• Everybody likes me until proven otherwise
• I am a likable and interesting person

How to approach people

• Look if people are open to conversation
  • Open body language
  • Not busy or in another conversation
• Make eye contact and smile warmly
• Don’t obsess about what to say
• Approach and just simply open with: "Hi, how are you?"

How to start a conversation

• Comment on the context (Situations, news, setting, people) “This coffee place has a nice nostalgic interior, don’t you agree?”

• Give a real compliment “I really like those sneakers, where did you get them?”

• Ask an opinion `“So what do you think about velvet slacks?”``

• Ask about general information `“Can you tell me what time it is?”``

• Talk about shared experiences: “That was an amazing game, that last goal! Wow, what did you like?”

• Talk about the social context: “So who invited you to the party?”

• Mention common interests “Are you going to watch the game tonight?”

How to keep a conversation going

• Balance talking and listening to 2:3 ratio
• Show genuine interest,
  • Ask open-ended questions
  • Truly willing to listen and learn
    • “What was/is your highlight this week?”
    • “What are you living towards?”
  • Ask for the emotional layer
    • “Why…”
    • “How come you chose…”
• Avoid closed questions (limited answers; yes/no/…)
• Ask for opinions: "What do you think about …."
• Find common ground;
  • Agreement on an issue
  • Same interest [hobby / career / etc]
  • Knowing the same person
  • Enjoying a similar background
• Elaborate on common interest but keep the focus on them
• Approach subjects from a unique angle
  • Add emotion and quirk “What about cars? Wouldn’t they be much cooler with 6 wheels?”
• Have your own opinion
  • But be open and respectful of other’s opinion as well “I actually really like pineapple on my pizza”
• Segue from the current subject by zooming in/out or move lateral
  • Dig into the details, see the bigger picture or mention related subjects
• Use “what-if” scenarios to get people thinking and talking
  • “What if mobile phones were forbidden”

What to talk about

• Be prepared
  • Be informed, what is on people’s mind now? Latest meme, hype, news?
    • “Did you guys see that pizza rat video?”
    • “Have you met the new girl in HR?”
  • Prepare a few anecdotes you can use in conversation
    • “This one time on bandcamp,...”
    • “So I was going to the police office,...”
  • Prepare and share some interesting facts
    • “Did you know this place was built in 1908?”
    • “So India just had its first moon mission.”
• Safe subjects to ask about: FORD
  • Family
  • Occupation
  • Recreation
  • Dreams (aspirations)
• Don’t just talk about yourself

How to talk and use your voice and body

• Look people in the eyes
• Stand up straight and relaxed
• Open body language, hands by your side
• Articulate clearly and speak loud enough

How to actively listen

• Listen with intent and true interest
• Use verbal acknowledgment that you listen
  • “Interesting”
  • “Sounds cool”
  • “Yes, go on”
• Use nonverbal acknowledgment that you listen
  • “Nodding”
  • “mmmmm” / “uhuh”
• Ask follow-up questions to keep people talking?
  • “How did that make you feel?”
  • “And then what?”
  • “What were you thinking when that happened?”
• Ask about what has been told, go with the flow
• Paraphrase what people said to show you listened

When and how to end a conversation

• If conversations seem to be going nowhere
• Or if there seems to be no real interest feel free to leave
  • “(Excuse me) I have to go …”
  • “It was nice talking to you, but I have to …”
  • “Alright, see you around”

How to overcome anxiety barrier

• 3 second rule - approach before you can think
• Take deep calming breaths to calm down and approach
• Boost confidence before social activity
  • Do what makes you feel good: work out / puzzles / cold shower etc.
• Share how you feel / clear the air
  • “I’m a bit anxious about…”
  • “I usually don’t step up to people, but you looked pretty interesting”
• Practice, practice, practice

Stop!:

• Overanalyzing yourself and the situation
• Filtering your responses, say what you think/feel
• Focusing on yourself - instead focus (on the comfort of) the other

How to make others and yourself comfortable

• Become comfortable by making others comfortable
• Ask how people are doing
• Be curious and show interest
• Show empathy
• Make easy eye contact and smile
• Ask and use their name
• Remember and bring up personal details
  • “How is your wife/cat/boat doing?”
• Paraphrase what people said to show you listened
• Show trust and some vulnerability
  • Say what you think and feel
• Don’t take it all too seriously

Connecting to people

• Open up yourself, step by step share about you(r life)
  • Share information you’d ask of others as well
• Show you trust people
• Shared experiences

Takeaways from the book How to Win Friends & Influence People

1. Don't criticise, condemn or complain. Give honest and sincere appreciation. Arouse in the other person an eager want.
2. It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is among such individuals that all human failures spring.
3. Become genuinely interested in other people. Smile. Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves. Talk in terms of the other person's interests. Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely.
5. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it. Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say, "You're wrong". If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
6. Begin in a friendly way, using praise and honest appreciation. Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately in a conversation.
7. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking. Let them feel that the idea is theirs. Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.
8. Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires. Appeal to the nobler motives.
9. Dramatize your ideas. Throw down a challenge. Let the other person save face. Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
10. An effective way to correct others' mistakes is to call attention to people's mistakes indirectly.
11. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
12. Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct. Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.

Acknowledgements:

I (@vijethph) just found this while browsing Reddit, thought it was good, and put up here with some modifications of my own. The original work and credit all go to whoever posted this up on Reddit (I don't know their name). So, I thank them for sharing this valuable material.